remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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