Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
sex in a hospital.. check
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
