So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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