i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
