I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
