when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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