I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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