at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
