I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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