I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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