My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
