I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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