worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
