Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
