He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
