Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
