The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
