I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
