I think im going to throw up on grandma
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
