Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
