Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
