The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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