Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
