you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
