Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
