dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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