Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You're like the curious george of whores
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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