This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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