Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
