Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
