If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
