Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i will never coherently bang her
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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