birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
