i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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