mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
