You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
