I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
