Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
