You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
