She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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