I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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