I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
