this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
