While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
