just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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