How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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