the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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