You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
