I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
