I just pynch a tree in the face
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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