the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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