I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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